I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me God.
Yes, your Honour, I understand. Tell the court, in my own words, what happened on the day in question.
The trouble really started when I was asked to take the Upper Sixth on a school trip to visit H.M.S. Victory, the famous Royal Navy warship, which was Admiral Lord Nelson‘s flagship at the Battle of Trafalgar.
I had better introduce myself. I am Miss Jane, the art teacher at the Saint Cecilia’s School for Girls, a private school for those who can afford our outrageous fees. And yes, I admit that many of the girls have a few behavioural issues. I still think that the prosecution describing a group of seventeen year old girls as, “a danger to civilization not seen since the hordes of Genghis Khan,” is going a little far.
I suppose that the tiny problems on the coach down should have warned me what to expect. The girls did stop flashing their tits and bottoms at passing motorists once I had warned them, and I am certain that not all the eighteen crashes on that stretch of motorway that morning were directly due to the girls.
As for the business with Amy Podworth, it was her own fault for sitting on the back row with the “Gay Girls” group. Every girl in the school knows how persuasive the Gay Girls can be. She got all of her clothing back eventually, and I do not really think that being given eight or ten climaxes during the two hour journey will have any lasting effect on her. Nor will orally servicing all the group as part of her initiation into the group. In fact as she left the coach she seemed very attached to Big Bessie, the Head Dominatrix of the group, calling her, “Mistress,” and telling Bessie she was, “Her Bitch.”
The shoplifting at the motorway service station, the supposed theft of an entire counter of chocolate bars, that was down to the guy behind the counter. Admittedly, it was wrong of the girl in question to distract his attention by unzipping his pants and giving him a blow job, while the rest of the girls stripped the counter of the chocolate. But if the shop will employ people who allow themselves to be seduced by a girl so easily, that is their own fault.
Once we were on board the ship the girls spread out and went off in all directions in small groups. I was the only teacher and it was not possible for me to keep my eyes on all the groups. I did try to keep order as much as I could.
The three sailors in period costume should not have allowed my girls to persuade them to show the girls how the manacles and leg irons worked by putting them on themselves. I do not think they were aware of how securely the chains and locks immobilized the prisoner. The nine girls who admitted to having sex with the three men have already apologised to their victims. Sorry, I mean of course their sexual partners. Although from what I gather, the men are now the envy of their crewmates, and I notice that their account of the incident is being serialised in one of the more lurid of the Sunday newspapers.
Now, about the small group who cornered the chief guide in the gift shop, I am told that he has made no complaint at all, and has in fact invited any of the five to revisit at any time.
As for Celia Hardy and Julia Grant. We all know of Nelson’s famous last words as he lay on the deck, dying. He is reputed as having said the immortal line, “Kiss me. Hardy.” So when Julia lay on the plaque which is bolted to the deck, and said those words, it was only natural, and somewhat humorous, for Celia Hardy to comply with the request. I do agree that the kiss went too far and that it should not have escalated into a full lesbian love-making session by the two girls. I would like it noted however, that only two female visitors complained about the performance. I am also informed that the tour guide has had several enquiries from tourists as to when they can book for the next show.
On the main charge of criminal damage, I did not know the cannon were still capable of being fired. I have no knowledge of where my girls got a supply of gunpowder from, and the navy really should not leave cannonballs lying around on the deck if they do not want them using. I am sure the damage caused to the properties on the waterfront can be repaired without too much trouble. After all, nobody was killed or seriously injured by the broadside.
Where was I while this was happening? Well actually the Captain and the first officer had me on the bridge, then on the poop deck, and finally down below in the Captain’s cabin. That was where Gloria and Jilly found me to tell me what had been happening.
Yes, Your Honour, Gloria and Jilly, the two young ladies who were interviewed by yourself in your chambers just before the trial began this morning. Yes, they are delightful young ladies. Oh yes, very discreet too. Yes, I believe they did have some photographs taken on their mobiles, you know what these young girls are like for taking photos. Oh no, Your Honour, I am sure they intend deleting the photos as soon as the case is over.
Really? Case dismissed? Oh thank you, Your Honour. Girls” All say thank you to His Honour and to the ….. Bessie……put her down, Bessie.