Lisa looked up at the tangled mess hovering at eye level. Two eyes on stalks protruded from the gyrating white tentacles.
“I don’t believe this.” Lisa said in astonishment.
“Believe me, I know.”, the hovering mass replied, “Not to put too fine a point on it, I am called into existence by your collective disbelief.”
“I thought it was meant to be faith,” Lisa replied. It was all too confusing. What had begun as an Internet prank gone viral had unexpectedly turned into a debate on metaphysics between a naked girl and a talking plateful of spaghetti.
“Something to do with symmetry,” the spaghetti replied, “Belief and disbelief normally cancel each other out but if there is much more of one than the other they can have the same effect and bring something into being. Nobody believes I exist and therefore I do.”
Lisa looked at the being open mouthed. It had seemed a simple enough idea: Offer herself up to the Flying Spaghetti Monster as a human sacrifice. That had to be worth a million hits and tons of new subscribers. The audience had built steadily as she talked about her plan and then exploded after friends on Facebook started a rumor that she would offer herself naked on her 18th birthday. The attention from the fans was gratifying and the idea of being naked in front of all those men (and some women) jacking off was somehow quite exciting. Her body was fit and firm and it would be enough to tantalize and tease the audience, she didn’t have to go very far unless she decided she wanted to. Not quite knowing how far she would go herself was all part of the excitement.
“It’s viral, don’t worry about that.” The unexpected guest star said in a snarky tone, “five million streams. By the end of today you will have beaten the skateboarding cat.”
The pasta flew around Lisa’s bedroom making sarcastic comments to the web cam about the posters that she had used to cover her walls during a pubescent boy band crush and hadn’t bothered to change since. But the deity saved his greatest contempt for the prop she had brought to the exercise.
“Bolognese? Really?” the spaghetti monster asked the camera. It picked up a scoop full with the ladle and poured it back into the pot, “Is that a way to greet a pasta based life-form?”
“I, I, didn’t think you would be here,” Lisa stammered.
“Oh, I, know, I KNOW!” the pasta thundered, “I am omnipresent and omniscient, remember. I know everything that was, is and ever fucking shall be!”
“It’s not my fault, not my fault!” Lisa began to cry.The unexpected guest was surprisingly needy considering that he was an omnipotent deity.
“Sorry, sorry, I know that, I know that.” the pasta began to babble and tried to comfort the girl with a noodly appendage on her shoulder.
“Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh,” Lisa screamed as the tentacle touched her body. A white hot star exploded in her chest causing pulses of raw pleasure to course out reaching her toes and fingertips.
“I am sorry, so sorry,” he apologized.
“I think I just found my faith,” Lisa replied as she caught her breath, “What was that?”
“Being omnipresent means seeing rather a lot of sex. The human population of earth at this exact second is 7,123,338,433. If each human has an orgasm lasting one second twice a week over the course of their life, that makes 23,061 humans having an orgasm right now. You share in those whenever you touch my body.”
“Then let me catch my breath and touch me again.” Lisa quipped.
“I am not that sort of pasta!” The putative deity snapped, then realized Lisa had been joking and returned to making apologies. Eventually the pasta pulled itself together. “If only you had chosen a more useful deity to not believe in,” it continued, “I might have done something useful like cure disease or end world hunger. Instead I am an omnipotent letcher who can’t keep his eye-stalks off the naked bodies of nubile females and dreaming of covering them in rich warm sauce.”
“Take it slowly,” Lisa tried to persuade, “you are new to this existence thing. It is harder than you think.”
“No I am not!” the deity replied, “I am the prime mover, remember? I am older than the universe, older than existence itself. This is not the natal ennui you mistake it for. This is my mid-life existential crisis and you have imagined me to be infinite in time and space, I am two billion years into it already and because I am fucking prescient, I also know that I have another ten billion to come.”
Lisa felt terrible, “But I believe in you? Why are you still here?”
“It isn’t just you, it’s your audience. Eight million, six hundred thousand streams. Number one hashtag on Twitter. They still think I am a clever hoax.”
“Can’t an omnipotent deity persuade them otherwise?”
“Perhaps I can.” the pasta replied, “Do I have your permission?”
Lisa nodded, not quite understanding what the deity was planning. A noodly appendage shot out from the mass, wrapping itself around her waist, opening up her sex and penetrating her. At the same time another appendage shot out at the webcam, somehow transmuted itself into digital form and emerged through eight million displays to reach out and touch Lisa’s audience in the same manner as their host.
Ten million bodies jerked and writhed for almost a minute, covering the deity’s tendrils in juice and cum. For a brief moment almost two percent of the entire world population were joined together in one great global orgiastic chain of being. The orgasm of the century, the milenium.
The strands disappeared and Lisa thought that the plan must have worked. But only until her sight returned and she was again standing naked in front of a quivering mass of spaghetti that was rather bigger and a lot sadder than before.
“It’s no use,” concluded the monster glumly, “You created me in your own image and so I disbelieve in myself and being both omnipotent and omnipresent makes that an incredibly strong disbelief. I can only stop existing if I start believing in myself.”
Lisa tried to comfort the creature by stroking his appendages but the waves of bliss this created forced her to stop. The floating mass began to sob quietly to itself.
“Could I make a request?”
“Anything,” Lisa replied without hesitation.
“Cover yourself in sauce and let me wrap myself around you.”
“You want to eat me?” Lisa asked. For some strange reason this did not cause her to panic. It was almost logical. Perhaps if Lisa was consumed by the deity, a paradox would be created whereby the end of her existence would result in its cause ceasing to exist which would by necessity mean that it had never existed, thus ensuring her survival. It seemed worth a try: There could hardly be a better way to go.
“No, I want you to eat me, or at least try.”
“Eat you?” Lisa recoiled in horror, “Eat you to death?”
“It won’t hurt me, I promise,” the monster replied, stroking Lisa’s hair with his tentacles, “It won’t even harm me, I’m sure.”
“Then why?” Lisa sighed.
“Ratings, baby, ratings,” came the reply, “I am a jealous God and I covet other God’s ratings. Ten million isn’t enough any more, now I want twenty.”
The deity ended the discussion by wrapping an appendage round Lisa’s waist and holding her above his head. Lisa buckled as she was again hit by wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure. Another appendage grabbed the ladle and dripped a thin line of bolognese along the girl’s naked body from her throat to her sex.
Orgasm after orgasm flowed through Lisa’s body as his tentacles wrapped around her naked body, touching and caressing and penetrating every fiber of her being. The creature’s eye-stalks quivered with delight as his sauce covered tendrils penetrated Lisa’s mouth and sex.
“I love you!” Lisa gasped.
“I b.” The deity began, then quietly disappeared before it could finish.