The Muff’n Man

I woke up in the middle of the night, laughing. I had been dreaming about starting an on-line personal services business under the name Muff’n Man. This was a play on words, meaning either a seller of muffins or a specialist in Muff Diving. For some reason, this just cracked me up. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I decided to turn on the computer and write it down. Here it is, for better or worse. 

 GRAND OPENING and LIMITED TIME OFFER

The Muff’n Man is pleased to announce his engagement book is now open. Experienced tasty ladies with good taste are encouraged to consider the services offered. All enquiries will be treated with discretion.

The Muff’n Man provides a specialist service for select female clients who appreciate the finer points of Muff Diving and Pussy Eating. A mature man with many years of experience in the fine art of Muff Diving and Pussy Eating, the Muff’n Man offers a unique experience to those with a good taste.

He specializes in servicing those who have become jaded with the routine way their Pussy is being eaten and who look for a more enlightening, entertaining and exciting experience. A menu of Pussy Products Practices and Procedures, including prices, is available upon request for only 49.95 S/H. Service prices include bus fare and tip. Payment is in cash only, upon arrival.

Acceptable clients will have fucked at least ten different partners before applying for the Muff’n Man’s services. If you haven’t yet had ten partners, you can apply later when and if the engagement book opens again.

This is a select service, so all applicants will be screened for suitability. Not all will be accepted. Ten partners is merely a minimum qualification level, not one guaranteed of acceptance. Twenty five or more partners is more likely to attract the Muff’n Man’s attention. He does appreciate experience.

As a Muff Diving specialist, the Muff’n Man does no penetrations. Those he leaves to others who lack his specialist skills. Muff Diving is an art in itself, and he prefers not to be distracted from his art. He prides himself in maintaining his skill in his specialty, and prefers not to dilute his efforts with those actions anyone else can perform.

If you feel you might qualify for the Muff’n Man’s exclusive services, email him at Muff’n Man.cum, using the subject line “Eat Me Daddy, Eight Beats to the Bar”. Straight, lesbian and other applications will be considered on an equal opportunity basis.

Describe how your pussy has been eaten in the past so the Muff’n Man may judge your suitability to receive his specialized attention. A naked full-body photograph on a bed and a close-up of your pussy will help his consideration of your application and equipment. A shaved pussy is worth extra points, while tattoos lose you points. Piercings are neutral. Plant grafts will earn you his special Orchardist’s Award and a free night in a haystack of your choice.

Also, mention of unusual sexual positions you’ve tried during past Pussy Parties will help him determine your eligibility and enthusiasm for his services. The Muff’n Man is always open to new ideas, and might be willing to trade service for service. Please provide notarized descriptions.

Accepted clients will be expected to provide a suitable bed and refreshments at their location.

The Muff’n Man prefers light white wines and a selection of Hors D’Oeuvres before and after his services.

After enjoying the supplied refreshments, the Muff’n Man will dress, take his money and leave you to clean up.

Again, this is a service only for selected parties. If you feel that you can qualify for the Muff’n Man’s very special services, go now to your computer and email the Muff’n Man. Do it today, his engagement book will close shortly.

This is a limited time offer, so don’t delay. If you consider yourself eligible, experienced and educated enough to benefit from his services, email him at The Muff’n Man.cum and include your responses to his criteria above. Only the top three responses will receive his personal attention, and will be posted on his website for others to marvel at. You may be one of the lucky winners and receive undying web fame. Email The Muff’n Man.cum today. Do it now.

Continues with his reviews and comments on responses 1, 2 and 3.

Is there a place for sexual humour in Lush? I had such fun writing this, I’d like to find a home for it.

Thanks for reading this. Bob Tellefsen ( kl7smc, requested to be changed to Muff’n Man)