Nozzer’s first Gay sex. by abroadsword

Introduction:

Nozzer’s first Gay sex.

It’s humour not hard core.

Nozzer’s first Gay sex.

It’s humour not hard core.

We was down the Flying Horse sinking a few bevvies. We’d been down the match looking for a few away supporters to remind them that their team may be better at kicking balls but we was better at kicking bollocks if you see what I mean.

Nozzer weren’t on form. He kept gasping for breath and sweating and that. I figured he been on the curry again, anyway there we was sinking a few Stella’s (Artois).

I got a round in, It was getting late, folk was leaving. “Keep the change,” I says.

“What change you owe another ten pound fifty,” the know it all manager shouts earning himself a good kicking the next dark rainy night.

I paid up, and staggered back to us table with nine pints and a packet of pork scratchings.

Sandra the barmaid came over to flash her tits, she made out she was collecting empties but you could see the ruby in her belly button down her cleavage, could have seen her vajazzle as well if she hadn’t put on a bit of weight recently.

“What you do’in’ after lads?” she says, “Only we thought about a lock in if you’re up for it?”

“Don’t know,” I says, “Washing me hair maybe, and there’s summat good on telly.”

“What’s that then Chalky?” Rocket Ron asks.

“There’s got to be summat good with sixty bloody channels,” I says reasonably.

Nozzer looked at his pint. It was odd he usually just sank them. “What’s up Noz?” Gasser asks.

“Got a bad gut,” he says.

“Needs a bit of how’s yer father to loosen it up.” Mikey suggested.

“Needs summat,” Nozzer agreed.

Now poor old Nozzer couldn’t hold his beer. Ten pints was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the road when he rode his motorbike.

“That’s how queers started,” I said, “Some poor bastard couldn’t shit so his mate buggered him to loosen it up.”

“You offering Chalk?” Nozzer said.

“No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige.” I says pointing to the lounge bar where several sharply dressed blokes was sat round. I knew one of them, Peter “Nigel” Mansell

“I’ll try anything Chalk,” Nozzer said through a haze of booze fumes, “Anything.”

I went into the lounge, They was all there, gay as fuck, all sharp suits and that. One had a dress on. Lovely shade of pink, pity he hadn’t had a shave for a week.

I sidled up to, Nigel. “Here my mate fancies you,” I says all friendly like like I was chatting up some girl.

“Oh really,” he says, “And who are you, Vice pope Eric or the Prince of Whales?”

“Nah straight up Nige,” I says, “He gets a bit loose tongued when he’s pissed, said he dreams about your big manly cock up his arse.”

“My what?” he says.

“Well it used to be remember?” I said, “When you used to get a hard on in the showers?”

“Oh,” he said, “Well what did you expect all those slippery well toned masculine bodies just ripe for rogering.”

“Anyway old Nozzer fancies batting for your side or at least having a trial,” I says.

He stared me right in the eye, “And what may I ask, Mr Chalk, is in it for you?”

“I’ll film it on me phone, sell it to Pornhub as Nozzer get’s his virgin ass busted,” I offers.

“I want 50%” says Nige, “When we has the lock in.”

“Forty / Sixty” I says.

“No, I’m happy with half,” he says. Sarky sod.

I wanders back to me seat and tells Nozzer, “Turns out Nige fancies you so its all set up for lock in.”

“Taa Chalky, I owes you one.” he says.

Lock in started around Eleven, Sandra locks and bolted the door, hung her knickers on the door knob and started selling durex at ten quid a throw before she sat on the billiard table, legs spread wide and started wanking with a bottle of Newcastle Brown. Newcastle Brown I ask you! No class that bint, she had empty Champagne bottles and Stella, even Coke but no she had to use Newcastle Brown. Still it contrasted nicely with her bright pink pussy lips.

Thing was she had no takers ‘cause everyone was watching Nozzer and Nige. Half the blokes had their phones out and the other lot, them what batted for the other side, had their cocks out wanking.

Nozzer had his trousers down as he bent over the Billiard Table, don’t know why he bothered as you could see his ass hole down his bum cleavage when he bent over, but there he was 46“ waist Levis and M&S Wye fronts round his ankles while Nige hauled his cock out and slipped on a Durex, it were quite a nice shade of Green if I remember right. He had a right boner. Mine would have turned inside out and done a runner if I had even thought of bumming Nozzer but Nozzer certainly turned Nige on.

Someone splashed some lube over Nige’s cock, I say lube, it might have been gearbox oil or washing up liquid for all I know.

Then it was down to business, the tip of Nige’s glistening, straining green covered member eased into Nozzer’s puckered virgin asshole.

Nige beamed with the pleasure of the tight orifice slowly easing open from the firm pressure of his rampant member, he pressed relaxed and pressed again, he gripped Nozzer firmly around the waist for more purchase and grunted with the effort. Beads of sweat broke out on his brow and dripped down onto Nozzers back.

Nozzer’s cock hung down like a shrivelled turnip. The cock in his ass felt good, he just wanted it further in.

Nige pulled back for another go, this time he slid in a lot easier, he was enjoying himself, all the way out so the tip almost slipped out, then all the way right back in.

“Oh,” Nige gasped, He worried he was about to cum too quick.

“Orrggg,” Nozzer moaned as he worried he was about to chuck up ten pints of Stella and a Chicken Vindaloo.

Then it happened, Nige thrust in but something was pushing back. His feet began to slip. His cock was sliding out instead of in.

“What the?” he asked rhetorically. It was the stuff of nightmares. Hs cock was being unceremoniously shoved out of Nozzer’s arse by the dreaded shit python.

“For fucks sake!” Nige squealed as he recoiled, tripped over his pants and landed on his back.

The python stuck its brown head out of Nozzer’s ass and kept coming, just a solid shaft of shit oozing from his tight puckered ass hole.

“Wow man that’s hit the spot,” Nozzer says, as the genuine giant shit python slithered from his ass and curled up stinking on the floor like a big brown snake coiled up ready to strike. “That’s what I needed man, that’s ace.”

Poor old Nige was in melt down. “Jesus!” he said, “Oh my god!”

Sandra took pity on him she expertly peeled off his condom using an inside out bag like picking up dog shit.

“Oh poor Nige,” she says. She helped him to stand up and kissed him on the bonce, “Come to Mummy.”

Nige was crying, he was totally freaked out. Sandra held him, then in a flash of inspiration, she popped her left tit out for Nige to suck on.

“Never mind Mummy loves you,” she said as Nige tucked into her tit.

“Mummy has a special front bottom so you can fuck her without getting shit under your foreskin,” Sandra husked.

Nozzer was looking for bog roll. Sandra was ordering no one in particular to clean the shit up, and Nige was getting an erection again.

“Want to put your big thingy in Mummy’s nice front bottom?” Sandra asked in a stupid voice.

Nige was just confused as Sandra slipped a fresh durex on Nige’s cock. She eased around and bent over the edge of the snooker table and reaching between her legs she guided the tip of Nige’s rapidly swelling cock towards her pussy. Nige eased into the unfamiliar warm slippery cavern. It seemed odd that there was so little resistance, but it felt quite pleasant when Sandra started milking his cock with well practised cunt muscles.

Nige had barely started when he started to shoot his load.

Nozzer was ecstatic. “Man that was the best shit ever!” He declared loudly to anyone who would listen, “I reckon I might turn gay me self if its that good,” he added drunkenly.

“You really are gross,” Algenon exclaimed.

“You ent supposed to shit,” Tommy Hunt says reasonably.

“Right,” says Nozzer, “So why did Chalky say to do it?”

“Taking the piss mate,” Tommy explained.

“You bastards,” says Nige as he pulls out of Sandra with his condom full of spunk and his face absolutely white, “Oh my god that was so awful.”

“What fucking me?” Sandra asked.

“No him shitting at me, I need therapy!” he replied.

“You need a girlfriend mate,” Sandra said, “That’s twenty five quid by the way.”

“Ghogof week,” I says, “Give her one get one free.”

Sandra scowled, “No need to take the piss.”

Not the most sensitive of answers anyway it set Nige off again. I was going to remind her that a tenner was the usual charge.

Sandra held Nige tenderly and next bloody thing he was riding her bareback with her sat on the snooker table and her feet on his shoulders. Really going for it and all.

Nige’s mates were staring in disbelief, they couldn’t get their heads around it. Nige fucking a bird. I forgot to film it, couldn’t have flogged the footage where he didn’t rubber up any road, so we all had a few more bevvies and went home. Except Nige and Sandra that is, seems they stopped up all night talking about fashion and women’s stuff.

So that was it. Nige needed therapy, every time he saw an ass hole he imagined a shit python emerging and it put him right off. Then again Sandra mad a nice few quid out of Nige and every gay bloke in Lancashire was warned what happened when Nige fucked Nozzer.

See. I was right, a bit of anal cured his constipation.

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