Inside me Ch.5

The countdown was on. I could only assume he wanted to have sex with me. He never tried though. The weekend came to pass. I slept with him Friday night. That was a given. I wasn’t about to leave him after that. Saturday night was a bit awkward. Pretty much the whole of Saturday was awkward.  
 
Ean somehow managed to recess back into his own mind. It seemed he only spoke his emotions in extreme highs. If not stimulated to the max, he regressed within himself and seemed to be in thought at all times of the day. I knew he was confused, he said it himself, but him keeping to himself trying to figure everything out was so tense.  
 
I couldn’t read a book, I was living the greatest story I ever set my eyes on. There was nothing to kill the time. I smiled a lot Saturday. I mean I smiled a lot. I was so happy. I tried smiling to Ean but he always returned half-confused smiles and went on. I brought on a few short conversations with him but nothing about the day before. I was getting a little scared about us by nighttime. I nervously asked him if he wanted me to sleep in his room. He said I could if I wanted to. I wanted so badly to hear him say yes but at least he didn’t say no. I wasn’t about to say no to him. I fell asleep in his warm, firm arms. 
 
Sunday at breakfast I had a terrible revelation. He had said that he would trust me in this relationship. Was he waiting for me to make a move Did he want me to take control of him I would never be able to give him orders to undress in front of me. I could never do what he did to me. I’m not saying he did anything wrong, he did everything right, but he was Ean, I was me.  
 
What if he was just planning his next move If I stepped up and asked for him to have sex with me, would he back away Was he ready for sex He had planned it for so long and just like that, pop, his girlfriend was dead and he was all alone. If I took charge and he still wanted control, would he talk me down back into my place Was he waiting for me or planning his next move I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to talk to Montana. She knew stories about Ean. She knew intimate details about his relationship with her sister. 
 
Mom called. She was coming home on Wednesday. The trial was coming to a close soon. Mom said though her boss was talking about an upcoming Supreme Court case with her as he read through her notes. She thought this trial was just a test to see how she would fare; it was the first court case she ever had to cover and did think it was a bit out of the blue. If she did her job well enough, she might get a trip to Washington D.C. She seemed worried about me on the phone until I told her that Ean was doing better than ever. He was still reserved but he talked to me and smiled a lot more. I was helping him a lot. Luckily she was on the phone and couldn’t see the giant grin on my face when I said that. 
 
Sunday night I wore the thinnest, silkiest panties I had. I asked Ean if he wanted me to sleep with him.  
 
“If you want to” he replied. I hated that. He knew I liked him. He knew I wanted everything with him. Hadn’t I proven that earlier Why was he still treating me like I had doubts Why was he giving me every option to back away from everything I never would. Didn’t he know that 
 
I climbed under the covers with him after I turned his light off and hugged him extra tight. I didn’t let go either. I hugged him for as long as I could. I wanted to see what he would do. He did nothing. He just hugged me back until he fell asleep, then I did too.  
 
Monday morning I took a shower before school. Ean was going to drive me. He had woken up before me and left the bed without me knowing.  
 
I turned the shower water off and opened the glass door to get my towel. The bathroom door opened. I immediately gasped. It had to be Ean but I still had never had someone walk in on me in the shower. Sure enough, Ean walked into view. I pulled the towel over my body to cover up. 
 
He pushed the toothpaste tube and a cup from the sink’s countertop, across from the shower, back to the wall and backed into it to sit down. He settled himself down and just stared at me.  
 
I was naked behind my towel. Soaking wet, and I would have to move and touch myself in easily imaginable provocative ways to dry off. I could close the glass shower door and dry off behind the fogged, distorted barrier but I just couldn’t. Ean was staring at me. I was so embarrassed behind my towel. I was just a meek little girl. Why was he doing this to me 
 
He wouldn’t stop looking at me. I knew he would sit there all day. Closing the shower door on him would make me wish death on myself. I knew he would shun me for it. I would just feel more awkward behind the glass. I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes when I opened it again.  
 
I slowly dropped the towel. My tiny breasts came into his sight. More and more until the tiniest patch of fuzz was revealed between my legs. I looked at him to see if he showed any emotion to my actions. As expected, he didn’t. 
 
I tried my best to ignore his existence and dry myself off normally. It was the most embarrassing thing. I had to lift my arms to dry under them. They were great poses for my little breasts to humiliate themselves. Drying my back was the worst. I had to run the towel between my butt crack to dry that too.  
 
I got to my first knee when for some strange reason, I started to smile. I was beyond embarrassed splaying myself out like that but I couldn’t help but smile. Ean was watching me. Why would he watch if he didn’t like it He wasn’t talking to me. He wasn’t probing my mind. He didn’t just like me because we got along so well. No. He was watching my body. He wanted to see my body. How could I not smile to that My brother was lusting after my body. Wow! What a way to start off the week.  
 
I was so happy. I felt like a little girl getting a kiss from the hottest movie actor I could have ever dreamed just to see in the distance beyond a crowd of thousands of people. I felt hot. More confident than ever. The most perfect guy in the world wanted my body. 
 
I threw the towel over the shower door and stepped out. I walked to the toilet seat lid where my clothes sat. Ean’s eyes followed. I picked up my tiny little pair of panties. They looked so small before I put them on. Fresh from my dresser after a fluff dry. 
 
I leaned forward and lifted my leg to slip it through the little hole. Ean was watching me. I looked back at him. Not to his face that time. I knew his face showed no emotion. I looked to his pants. That place, I found to show a massive amount of emotion the other day. I found it again. What I never really noticed before was now impossible not to notice. He had the biggest bulge between his legs. I couldn’t stop smiling. 
 
I finished dressing. I didn’t even bother getting a bowl of cereal. I knew I couldn’t eat it. I wasn’t hungry after an event like that. Ean followed me around as if he was lost. I had the biggest smile on my face and I couldn’t wait to get away from him. I couldn’t look at him. My face blushed deep deep red if I looked at him. I could feel the blood in excess there.  
 
Somehow Ean’s emotionless face made it almost funny. He could be thinking anything. We could have just done the dirtiest thing in the world, and if he walked out in front of our grandparents, they wouldn’t have a clue. I felt so safe with him. Like I was allowed to show what I was feeling at the time and he would protect me from what the world might throw at me because of it. I was his little sister. 
 
Finally it was time to leave. My body was shaking in excitement. I couldn’t wait until second period. I had to talk to Montana. I didn’t know what I would say; I couldn’t tell her the truth, but I had to tell her something. I couldn’t hold all this joy in. I was going to explode. I was so jittery on the drive to school. 
 
Ean pulled up and stopped in the road before the high school. I opened the door and got out. 
 
“Bye!” I said to him the happiest, most excited voice. I closed the door and quickly walked away. I thought about how I should have said, ‘I love you,’ to him as well but I thought the shriek in my voice showed him how happy I was. 
 
First period flew by as I paid no attention to the class whatsoever. Second period came and as soon as Montana saw my face, she rushed over and asked me what happened. 
 
“I have the most amazing brother in the world.” I replied and quietly as I could. 
 
“What, did he buy you something really cool” 
 
“No, but I can see why your sister liked him so much.” I was shaking then. I didn’t know if it was from excitement or fear. Had I just said too much Montana just stared at me in disbelief.  
 
“Did you two have, you know” 
 
“No,” I whispered loudly. “Your sister never did either.” 
 
“Did he touch you” 
 
“No, well yes, once only and that was an accident a while ago. But he, I, I just love him.” 
 
The bell rang to start class. Montana stared at my over excited face with the most curious gaze. The teacher apparently noticed the tension between us on what could be a very long conversation. 
 
“Girls, I trust it can wait until after class.” I shot my head over to a serious adult’s face. I tried my best to calm down for the few seconds she stared between us. She looked happy enough at our new attention to her and turned away. 
 
“Lunch time,” Montana whispered to me. “You better be there early.” 
 
Math seemed to drone on. With Montana sitting next to me, it was hard to reflect on Ean. She appeared deep in thought. She appeared to almost guess at least to the degree of what might have happened between me and my brother, if not the actual thing. She looked happy though. Even though I thought she knew that when I said I loved him that I meant a bit more than in a family way, she seemed to have accepted it. If she could accept it and maybe help me, she would be the most amazing friend. I didn’t think I could handle her shunning me for liking Ean. I really wanted a girl friend. I never had one before and having one now that would accept something like that would be beyond amazing. 
 
The next thing I remembered was walking into the cafeteria. My mind was so far in on itself. Then I was walking from the cashier with my tray. I was broken from my zone to Montana waving me to her table. She was alone against the wall in a corner. She had already eaten her packed lunch. 
 
“You can’t hog him to yourself you know,” she said as I sat down. “He’s in college and you’re just a freshman in high school.” 
 
“What” I played innocently. 
 
“Hmm, let’s see,” she started sarcastically, “what could make a freshman girl glow like she just discovered her first orgasm. And then tell me that she loved a guy so much that she also just called the most amazing person ever.” 
 
“Not so loud,” I whispered. She figured something out. 
 
“My sister did go out with him for over a year you know. Just because they never had sex doesn’t mean she was never satisfied. She didn’t give me details but she told me some stories.” 
 
“Do you think it’s weird,” I asked, “you know, that I like him so much” 
 
“If I had a brother like him, I would have raped him in his sleep by now if he wouldn’t let me do it to him while he was awake.” I felt my face rise dramatically in temperature as she said that. 
 
“Really” 
 
“You’re too coy; I would definitely have had me a piece of him by now.” 
 
My face had to be glowing in embarrassment. “How… How would you go about doing that” 
 
“Shoot, according to what you and my sister say, he’s a virgin. Why would I tell you how to break him in Let me come sleep over this weekend and I’ll prepare him for you.”  
 
I could see in the way she prided her face that she was mostly all talk. I knew she would cower at his feet if she ever actually met him. I was pretty sure she knew it too but I thought she would try anything to at least let him know she existed. I wasn’t letting her near him though. She was my friend. Ean was my lover, or he would be. They didn’t need to know each other; they both had me. 
 
“How far have you gotten with him” she asked carefully. “You said he touched you.” 
 
“Accidentally. When he was sleeping, I was in bed with him. He thought I was your sister and kind of acted it out on me.” Oh sweet victory. The look on Montana’s face made me almost laugh in happy embarrassment. “He just cupped me down there and – and he kept moving. His thing was moving on my leg and then I let go. He woke up to me moaning.” 
 
Montana’s hands were under the table and her arms were tense. Her face made me want to die in laughter. I had never made someone so jealous before. It felt so amazing that for once, I was the main attraction to a story that would make other girls ping in jealousy. I had to keep going. I couldn’t hold back. It felt so good. I felt soo special. 
 
“On Friday, last week, a couple of days ago – don’t even ask me how I got naked, but I was on his bed completely naked. He was on his knees over me. He had his pants and boxers down on my legs. And he cummed all over my body. It was on my breasts, my ribs; some was seeping into my belly button. It was so warm. He hugged me so tight even though I was so dirty from him and he said he would always protect me no matter what I did. And we fell asleep together like that. Naked in his arms with his sperm all over my chest.” 
 
“Stop it, please stop. You’re killing me.” Montana was in shock. “Don’t even tell me why you were so happy this morning. Seriously, I will give you all my allowances for this entire year if you just let me sleep over at your house once when he’s there.” 
 
“Well, my mom is away so it’s just been me and him for the past week. And I get until Wednesday with him alone some more. After that, mom comes home. I don’t think I could do anything soon.” More like never. 
 
“Could you do at least one thing for me than, and I’ll try to give you advise on stuff I learned about your brother from my sister.” 
 
“What” 
 
“Call me tonight and tell me what happened that made you so happy this morning.” 
 
I smiled and blushed deeply. “You can never ever tell anyone about this stuff.” 
 
“I won’t, I promise.” 
 
“Can I trust you more than your sister’s ability to keep secrets about my brother” 
 
Her face went flush. “We had a sister thing, we could trust each other, she never told anyone other than me. But I have a little sister in the seventh grade. I don’t want to lose her trust and I know she can be trusted. It’s a sister thing.” I looked nervously at her. “It’s like you and your brother, you trust each other. So do we.” 
 
“Fine,” I gave in. I really wanted a friend to talk to about this stuff. “You don’t have any special bonds with your parents do you” 
 
“No, I would never ever tell them anything like that. Besides, if I told them, they would never let me over to your house.”  
 
She was persistent. 
 
The lunch bell rang and I hadn’t taken a single bite of my food. I hadn’t eaten breakfast either; I was actually hungry then. 
 
School ended and I rode home with Ean. The call I was supposed to make that night turned out to be an hour after school. It was a nice gesture for Ean to pick me up from school but at home, he reverted back to his mind. I felt almost guilty that he drove me home, almost as if he felt he had to.  
 
To kill that thought and the boredom of no homework, I called Montana. The sounds of a young girl yelling in the background faded as it sounded like she closed herself into her room. Retelling the story of what happened after my shower didn’t really sound all that interesting, but Montana assured me that were she in my position, she could fully understand why I would be so happy. 
 
The conversation turned into me asking for advice on how to get my older brother to have sex with me. Montana reluctantly accepted that I wasn’t going to let her anywhere near Ean if she didn’t at least try to help me first. 
 
“Try going to bed with him naked.” 
 
“I’ve slept with him naked before.” 
 
“Don’t were any panties then, just a nightgown.” 
 
“He won’t know unless he touches me and he usually doesn’t. Also, that sounds kind of slutty.” 
 
“I don’t know. Just push it in you when he’s asleep and hope he has another dream about my sister.” 
 
“He said if I let him take advantage of me again while he was asleep, he wouldn’t forgive me.” 
 
“Oh.” There she heard it. Just a piece of what was complicating everything. Even though Ean did all that stuff to me, there was so much more that took away the fairy tale aspect of it. 
 
We ended the conversation after a few hours not really accomplishing much. But when I hung up the phone, I felt happy. I didn’t feel alone. I wasn’t lost in a filling thought like after I closed a good book, but after that almost meaningless conversing for hours on end, I still felt full. 
 
Ean and I ate dinner together; he through some chicken and potatoes into the oven. Afterwards, we watched TV for the last few hours of the day. 
 
When I came from the bathroom, I walked directly into Ean’s room. I wasn’t going to ask him if I could sleep with him that night; I was just going to do it. Ean was already getting into bed. The light was still on. I smiled. He was expecting me to come. I liked being expected. 
 
I climbed into bed with him after flipping the light switch. We laid apart for a few minutes in the silence. 
 
“Why haven’t you had sex with me” I asked him. 
 
“I didn’t know it was my job.” 
 
“I’m not going to do it to you. If you want it, you can come and get it.” I hoped that didn’t sound too bad. I didn’t mean to sound so snobbish. 
 
“You’re my sister. This can’t last forever. We can’t get married. It’s all pointless.” 
 
I laid in silence. He was absolutely right and I knew it. I didn’t want to accept it though. After what we had done together, if we just stopped, I wouldn’t be able to go on living. 
 
“So,” I said. “You never just do something without thinking. Just because you can’t see the end doesn’t mean it’s not worth starting. I think we should do it. It’s the only logical thing in my head right now. It’s been the only logical thing in my mind since before you came home. Since after your girlfriend died. I bet you had everything planned out with her. I bet that wasn’t in your plans. Why do you feel like you need to trust me Right after everything you know to be true fails, why do you think your mind wants you to look somewhere else for an answer You’re the smart one always listening to your brain. Why don’t you listen to it when it tells you that you failed, that you need some help I want to help.” 
 
“You’re fourteen.” 
 
“So!” I raised my voice. “Are you appalled by my little body My small breasts. My fourteen year old body. Or is it my fourteen year old mind. Am I just too stupid for you; even though I’m your sister Even though our dad is the same person. You cummed on my naked body and said you trusted me. Now I’m just fourteen. You don’t make any sense!” I waited for a reply. Something. Anything. I just wanted him to say something. I didn’t mean to say all that. I didn’t know where it all came from. I never thought about that before. Why did I just say all that 
 
“I’m sorry Maeghan. I’m just confused.” I felt the bed shift as he rolled away from me. Those were the last words spoken that night. It felt like all the stuff we did before, him touching me, me stripping for him, him masturbating on me, me drying myself off in front of him, all of it, it was all just children’s games compared to what just happened. I wanted a deeper relationship with him but I didn’t think deeper meant this complicated.  
 
I had it all planned out. I wanted to have sex with him. I would do anything to make that happen. But I never really planned anything out. What was Ean feeling He was so confused. His last plan with Crystal ended with her dead. Now his new plan – I didn’t think he had a new plan. Maybe he couldn’t piece one together. He was alone. All he had was me, but he thought nothing could happen because we were related. The guy with all the answers had nothing left and I called him out on it. Why did I have to speak

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