31 CRAWL, TALL PAUL 32 BE TRUE, FREE TOO by J. R.

[b]31

CRAWL, TALL PAUL

Talk at school by the Yankees had tested the patience of the Cubs, Paul being the primary instigator. Sean immediately picks up on the negative vibes during pre-game warm-ups. He calls a team meeting. “Sounds like we lost that beautiful team spirit. What’s wrong guys?”

Fred says, “I really want to kick butt against these guys.”

“I like your words but not you tone. You sound like the old Fred. Earlier in the season I wouldn’t have expected anything else and wouldn’t have said anything. Now I’m concerned that your attitude will hurt your game. Another thing, your new spark has helped the whole team. I bet that will happen again if you can overlook Yankee ugliness.”

“I don’t think I can, Sean.”

Jeff quickly responds, “I’m gonna pray about it.”

Karim quietly says, “Me too.”

Sean inquires, “Does anyone mind if we have a moment of silence?” No one objects so Sean says, “OK, let’s put our hands together like we do for our cheer. But we’ll skip the cheer and just close our eyes and be silent.” When Sean senses some fidgeting, he quietly encourages, “Try to beat them with respect, not hate. Let’s take the field.”

Rather than hustling out, bursting with excitement, they quietly walk to their positions. Sean is glad about this, but has no idea what may develop. Michael looks sharp on the mound, getting the Yankees out in three batters. With quiet zeal the team hustles in. You would think they were at a funeral. No one socializes. But Sean sees a fierce determination developing in his team. He gives his encouragement with touch only. The fans have sensed the somber mood and likewise are subdued, albeit perplexed.

Paul hustles to throw out Jeff on his bunt. “Take that dickhead.”

Jeff kindly responds, “Nice play Paul,” and quickly returns to the dugout. “Sean, I need help! I hate Paul.”

Sean hugs him tightly saying nothing. Fred comes over, hugging him too. “Jeff, your prayer helped me. I feel peace inside. Thanks.”

“Good! Now you need to pray for me!”

“Sorry, I don’t know how.”

“You know how to talk to me, right Fred?”

“Duh.”

“That’s all you need to do to pray, but it doesn’t have to be out loud.”

“Well Jeff, I can’t promise you anything.”

Giving Fred a hug, “That’s fine Fred.”

Jose, Michael, and Karim all hit clean singles. So Fred comes to the plate. He shoots the thought “help me do good” to heaven. He gets fooled badly on the first pitch. Angrily he steps out of the batter’s box. He calms down, almost in tears. Shooting up the same prayer, he steps back in. The pitch looks like a volleyball coming in. he swings with determination, hears a sweet ring in the bat, and watches the ball sail a mile over the left field fence. The pitcher’s chin drops as the left fielder just stands there watching the rocket fly. Home run, 4-0! The Cubs go wild. As Fred trots past first, Paul says, “Nice shot!”

Startled, Fred looks at him, then merely mouths, “Thanks!”

All the Cubs give him a high-five, but Sean stays back. Fred seeks him out, “How about that!!!”

Sternly, “You were holding the bat wrong.”

First shocked, Fred starts cracking up, “You had me going!” Sean then gives him a long, big hug, which gets interrupted by screaming. Ricky hit a towering fly to left. The left fielder gets back to the fence and jumps, coming down empty. Back to back home runs!

His next time up, Jeff draws a base on balls. He dreads having to listen to Paul at first base. Paul says, “I don’t know what’s gotten into your team but somehow I’m just admiring you guys.”

Totally surprised, Jeff retorts, “Yeah, right!”

“Really! And I’ve been feeling bad for the way I’ve been treating everyone, especially you.” Realizing that he’s for real, Jeff starts crying. “Don’t cry! You’re gonna make me cry. You’re gonna ruin my reputation.”

“OK, and I’m sorry too.”

“What for!?”

“I’ve been hating you a lot.”

“Well, I deserved it!”

“Yeah, but that shouldn’t matter.”

Sean can’t believe his eyes when he sees them giving each other a high five. Sean says to Fred, “Looks like your prayer was answered.”

“How did you know I prayed to hit well?”

“You did?”

“Yeah, when I hit the homer. What are you talking about?”

“Jeff and Paul are friends!”

Laughing, “You’ve been drinking the cool-aid!”

“Really! Look at them.”

“I must be dreaming! Come to think of it…”

After the Cubs win easily, Jeff, Ricky, and Fred approach Paul. After chatting, they each give him a hug.

32

BE TRUE, FREE TOO

That evening Sean settles into his recliner when the doorbell rings. Wearily he makes his way to the door. Fred’s father, Fred, spills out, “Help me Sean!”

Placing a hand on his shoulder, “Please come in Fred.”

Before getting to a chair, Fred breaks down in tears. Sean hugs him, which Fred gratefully accepts. “Please sit down, Fred. Here’s a box of tissues.”

“Sean, I have a big problem.”

“You can tell me, Fred.”

“I walked to the store after work as I normally do. Along the way I stared at a boy. I couldn’t help myself. Then again, at another boy. Now I realize that I have this routine of walking, rather than driving, just for this purpose.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

“It scares the hell out of me!”

“Tell me more, Fred.”

“As soon as I see their sexy eyes, I get hard,” starting to sob again.”

“Any boy?”

“No, Sean, certain ones.”

“You go to all the ball games. There’s a ton of boys there.”

“Yeah. With all the people around, I usually only glance. There’s only a couple that I end up staring at—the best. Or the worst, depending how you look at it.”

“In your mind, Fred, what do you do with the boy of choice?”

Sobbing again, “I don’t know, my head just spins!”

“Do you start talking to any of the boys?”

“No way!”

“You talk to Jeff.”

“He started it. That thrilled me to death. Sean, it was like talking to a god.”

“Have any other boys ever started talking to you?”

“I can’t think of any. Occasionally I get a dirty look. That snaps me out of it. Then I give a dirty look back.”

“What about when Fred has friends over.”

“It feels fantastic when they talk to me. I don’t dare stare.”

“Let me tell you about a friend, Fred.”

“Sure, Sean.”

“After high school baseball practice, one time my friend and I played a little longer than the rest of the team. So they were gone by the time we got in the showers. His dick got hard, so I turned because I didn’t want to see it. Next thing I know, he shoved it tight against my butt. I didn’t care that he was stronger than me, I spun around and decked him, saying every choice word I thought of.”

“I would have too!”

“He got up, ready to kill me. I showered him with more choice words, ending with, ‘Don’t even touch me!!!’ Even though he knew I couldn’t stop him, he backed off. Without any words we dried off and got dressed.

“While walking home he broke the silence, ‘Sean, you know I’m gay. You know how sexy I think you are.’ I cut him off, ‘And you know how totally I want no part of it.’ He gave me this song and dance about how horny he was; how badly he needed me. He had me believing that, as a friend, it was my duty to help him out with some booty. I almost caved. We actually started looking for a place to do it. Then I snapped out of it. I said, ‘Your need help alright! And you’re gonna find help.’ He says, ‘I don’t need help!’ So I say, ‘Good, I’m out of here.’

“My dad told me about a twelve-step group for people out of control sexually. So I told my friend about the group. He said, ‘No way.’ I said, ‘Either I tell the world about your problem or you tell this group.’ After his first meeting, he said, ‘I’m not going again. These guys are way older than me, and half of them are lusting after me. I said, ‘Congratulations.’ He said, ‘I don’t want them. I want you! I’m afraid to go back.’ I ended up agreeing to go with him, waiting outside for him to get out. When they walked out I saw it for myself. A guy had the eye for him. When he saw me, the first glance was sexual too, but then he snapped out of it. The next time we agreed that I would hide and see if someone would make a move on him. No one did, so he felt safe going alone after that.”

“Sean, I guess you’re telling me this so that I start going too.”

“I wasn’t thinking that, but it may be good. But I need to tell you, this friend says that in all the times he went to group, no one ever talked about having an attraction to children. Apparently, they’re afraid of getting in trouble with the law if they do. From what I hear, you can do long jail time even if you haven’t done anything illegal. When it comes to sexual feelings for a child, people assume you’re guilty. Teachers are afraid to give their students encouragement with loving touch. What kids need most of all, teachers don’t dare give.”

“Yeah, I’ve always been afraid to touch my son too. Now I feel terrible that I haven’t been there for him.”

“So beat yourself up.”

“Sean, I do that plenty.”

“I figured. But I hope you can forgive yourself, Fred.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Do you know who made you?”

“What do you mean, Sean?”

“God made you. And God don’t make no junk.”

Laughing, “Jeff told my son that!”

“Good! Now you and your son can remind each other.”

“Good idea…. About that group, I guess most of them were gay?” Fred almost said ‘faggot,’ but caught himself in time.

“Actually, no. That’s what my friend first thought. Actually, almost all of them were attracted to women.”

“Of course, it was the gays that were eyeing him.”

“That’s the weird part. Eventually my friend started confronting his secret admirers privately. Most of them had no attraction to men.”

“That is strange.”

“Fred, are you attracted to men?”

“No.”

“Is that, ‘No I don’t want to be’ or ‘No I’m not.”

“Both…. Hey, Sean, I’m like those guys!”

“What do you mean?”

“Attracted to boys but not men. I feel better!”

Puzzled, “So you’re happy to be a pedophile?”

“Ouch! Don’t say that word! No, I’m happy there are more like me. I don’t feel alone in my misery…. But I have to admit—when I lust for a boy; I’m wishing that he would lust for me. What a pervert I am.

“I’m glad you hate this attraction. But I hope you stop hating yourself…. Take comfort, the truth will set you free.”

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